The Uncritical Judgmental

It is the 21st century, people are becoming more liberal, accepting and less judgmental - not true.
It is the 21st century, people have become masters in disguising their judgement under the veil of social norms and play a blame game on social stigmas.

Allow me to tell you how blessed I am. I have an amazing, understanding and loving family. My mother and father have raised me with utmost love, have inculcated values in me, ensured the importance of tradition is intact in my being. When you know someones trusts you with all his/her heart, you feel indebted to them and more often than not voluntarily make sacrifices to ensure their faith never wavers and they are never let down.

As already mentioned in my profile I am a mechanical engineer so it is a given that sex ratio in my group is abysmal. I have a bunch of friends, only guys. (Ok I do have a female friend as well but that doesn't count, you ask why? I have grown up with her, she is like my family anyway)
So the joke is - In my marriage there will definitely be a maid of honor but no bridesmaid- only best man(men)! No one in my family has any qualms about it and honestly I never had to face any judgement by family, friends or even society for that matter. I am blessed that way.

However, today when I called up my father to take his permission to go on trip with my college friends (mentioning that the group had girls too) he hesitated. He asked me to think about it and take the decision if I feel right. I asked what his inhibitions were. He blatantly said "It might affect your future." Now, if at all my blog reaches people apart from India (God I hope it does!): what he meant was ours' being a conservative society a girl going out with guys for a trip is frowned upon.
It may lead to people questioning you (read: your character) and thus may affect your social life. It broke my heart. 
Note here : that my father has always treated me respect. He adores me to death. I absolutely understand why he said what he said. It is brave of him to verbalise his concern out loud. 

I thought about how awful it is that just because a third person who by no means has ever or will ever enrich my life I am giving up the infinitesimally few chances i get on travelling.
I decided to go, and my parents are absolutely happy with that.

Now, I would request my readers not to judge me if I am going on a trip with 5 people, 2 girls 3 guys.
I couldn't help but wonder if my parents, who are so liberal, hesitated in letting me go how much weight must be on other women's parents' shoulders.
Our parents and their generation form a society. Me and my peers will form ours. I promise myself I will never judge mine or other peoples' kids by their lifestyle choices. I request you to promise yourself the same.
Understand others, respect them and most importantly accept them.

I thought it is my duty to pen this feeling down so that if at all even a single person resonates my thought and pledges to bring the change it will be an act worth the effort.

Thanks for reading!
A woman, with male friends.

The first five Twenties

The name of this blog is 'from the pages of my diary'..but a lil disclaimer: Not all thoughts and pieces are from my personal life... Many of these pieces are inspired by allot of beautiful people i have had the privilege to meet in my 22 years of being.

"My heart and head tussle at every juncture...the battle is constant, consistent and confusing."

Lately I have been extremely happy, ethereally delighted, brutally hurt, painfully heartbroken and mostly just plain perplexed because of the current phase of my life.


I am working in a good company, earn decently...decent enough to satiate my desire for cute new shoes every month, I have job that is very challenging and have independence that allows me to make all the good and bad choices i should be making at this age. I was always a straight A student, always played by the rules never colored outside the lines and somehow always managed to get what i want. However these days i feel conflicted.... people my age (23-24) are very very conflicted...at least the ones i know.


A close friend of mine, Vikrant, recently broke up with a girl, Monika, who he had been with for 4 years, loved truly and wanted to marry. Vikrant, 23,  had plans to work in a company right after graduation....get a 2 year work ex. then get into a good college for post grad and then work for another 2 years before marrying Monika. Monika, however couldn't wait that long. It's an Indian woman thing, girls generally get married at 25/26 years of age....so they broke up.

I think the same has happened to allot of ppl and might just happen to me.
Like I said, I have a great job. I plan to work here for another year before i go for higher studies. Now the  thing is I have fallen in love. I have met someone i would one day really wanna be with. marry have kids grow old with... but I won't be able to do all of that since I would be leaving this place and so would he, for his career. How do you deal with all of this? you try and be practical and accept the fact that sometimes somethings not always happen as you would want them to. Life has become a constant battle: professional life v/s personal life. You can't have both.
Can't stay with family coz your job is in another state. can't be in a relationship coz you can't commit. There is no freaking stability in life at 23.

23 is such a difficult age. We gotta somehow make choices and stick to them....blink our eyes and hope our 26th bday comes soon....


So here's to all of you in your early twenties :
Suck it up!!

Masochist

You're dark and warm
and I'm cold in this storm
swirled and whisked
A moth that's been kissed
splash some water for I'm burning
coz it's only you and pain for which I'm yearning...



   - SM

The new shade of you

Do we really know what we are capable of? How much we can change? How much we can give in to our dark side? How cold we can be?
We always have our notions and prejudices of how things should be of how people should be and how we should be...I am sure all us have a pedestal where we keep ourselves....some might constantly try to keep themselves positive, happy by making a note of things that are good in em'...rest of us, we constantly keep criticizing ourselves.
Allot of us are self critics, we are never alone, we are always accompanied by our alter ego which keeps a track of things we did and things we did not.. and my alter ego never misses a chance to berate me.
Lately I have experienced allot of change in my life... some good some exceptionally good some excruciatingly bad....and some..some that I am unable to define.
Rack your brain a lil , look into your past...has there ever been anything in your life that you thought you could never live without and in present life you don't have an iota of emotion for it? something similar has happened to me.. I could easily let go of that one thing i thought I always wanted.. and as it turns out what i thought was incorrect. Not only can I live without it but rather I am pretty happy without it.
and life has shoved me in a corner which i never knew existed and somehow i feel at home.
There is a sense of comfort in this discomfort.
I know i am not making much sense here but the thing is the notions that we have about ourselves, the aspirations we have for ourselves, the judgments that we have made about our own selves can be wrong, very wrong. I don't know what formulas does the alter ego uses when she concludes on our behaviors and actions but there is one thing that i know now...and that is we can be extremely happy when we let go of always putting ourselves under a microscope.
How much we let go for our families, friends and mainly for the idea of how we should be...How many sacrifices we make for we think that they might be inappropriate. What if one day you wake up and realize in the constant struggle to make people around you happy you have landed up in a life that others chose for you, and you are not happy with where you are?... What if one day i do actually regret not taking the leap of faith, not letting go of my notions and not allowing myself to be free, actually free?
It is completely ok to be a lil selfish, not think about the repercussions and just let ourselves be...!
This will enable us to live a little more and perhaps just perhaps we might find something perfect for us, we never knew existed.

For you mom....

Wrote this one for mother's day (2013)

For 9 months she held you close
Sat next to you night after night while you dozed
she laughed when you smiled, wept endlessly when you cried
she taught you your first words and the first step to walk
she was your lullaby and even your morning clock
no one could love you more
her heart's filled with love right upto her core
in the dark tunnel she is the guiding light
She is Godsent especially for you
from where she fathoms so much for I have no clue
Give her all your love ,for she is like no other
Of course she is you loving Mother

Musk....

When I see you, I feel love
It's overwhelming and epic..
When I'm all alone with you
It's a strange kind of high that you put me through
I dream of us together
Your lips brushing mine
our breaths together like two souls entwined
my breath against the nape of your neck
your musk fills me, enwraps me in you
as you look at me like no one else could
A chill runs down my spine
as your warmth cuddles me
and you make me yours forever
I cherish this feeling for ever and ever......

The world is not ready for strong women

There's this guy in my class who never fails to mock a girl who 'awws' and 'aahs'. The same guy also dislikes a very strong and opinionated girl I know because, i quote,  'she comes out too strong'.

People talk about Women emancipation and gender equality and feminism but I strongly feel (kindly note the degree of my sentiment- strongly) that the world isn't ready for a steadfast and opinionated woman. Hell! most of the fairy tales have the happy endings - ...and the girl found her prince. Cinderella a poor tormented soul finds a prince. Snow white, again, a poor tortured soul is kissed by her prince charming. I have never heard of a fairy tale where a strong girl supports her man and help him through.
Here are some incidents that have happened to me, my friends, strangers I've observed and stories I've heard. 

#way more male ceos than female ceos 

#a girl being called a beta is a compliment, a son on being called beti is offended 

#We have ladies wearing burqa's in some communities- at least they own upto their actions..Women even in most developed nations are expected to be mellow and soft or they could come out too strong.

#Whenever a girl who is focused on her career is often advised by her parents to take it down a notch 'nahi to baad me dikkat ayegi'

#'kitna bhi pad likh lo ek ladki ko shaant hona he chahiye and apne partner ki shadow me rehna ana chahiye' - trust me I've seen this happening to a friend who wanted to start up her business at 27 instead of getting married. 

#and then there is the bichari aurat who earns more than her husband and can not be proud of the cheque she earns coz let's face it the male ego IS very high

#when a woman is chosen over a man for a promotion we often hear the cliche' which has already crossed your mind so needless to say

#Now a female student's tragedy : You are intelligent and smart - ladkiyon ko to mil he jate hain. You get recruited- ladkiyon ka to qutoa hota hai.... so basically no matter hard you've tried tumhe to waise bhi mil he jana tha.

#Men are threatened by stronger women they prefer someone whom they can protect and take care of, not who is capable of taking care of herself and of her partner too.

......to all my beautiful women out there who stand up for themselves, are courageous, steadfast, bold, intelligent, street-smart, opinionated and ambitious

the world isn't ready for you.. we must learn to live in men's shadows' and take it down a notch
maybe in another 100 years we can hope to be equals .

A HNY...!!!

                               

                                               "You showed me faith is not blind
                                                I don't need wings to help me fly
                                                Miracles happen once in a while
                                                When you believe...!!!"

jotted down a few lines for my college fest. Whenever I feel low I read them and feel rejuvenated. Hope they do the same for you

Rise and shine is what we urge you to,
Appraise the world, for we know it's within you
Rise up to the clouds and make it rain
join us let not the efforts go in vain
apprise the world, for we are coming now
we'll make a difference and you'll see how!!

Believe in you.
Do as you please.

                                     Live for that man in the mirror!

xoxo
Sonakshi 

Zachary Benedict and Julie Mathison

 

 "Just because a love can’t last doesn’t mean it wasn’t real, that it didn’t change you. You can’t go back, you won’t stay the same but I promise that one day, you won’t even want to." 

 "Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass,the world is too full to talk about. Ideas, language, even the phrase 'each other' doesn't make any sense."

"There is a difference between loving the idea of someone and actually loving who they are."

I wrote this one on 4th of December, 2010.
I named it "only then......"

When the clouds dry out
When the moon takes a night out
When the ocean tastes sweet
and the laughter starts to weep
When the wind stops to blow
and the diamonds cease to glow
When the deserts begin to blossom
and that sun cools more often
When this heart stops to beat
and these veins stop to bleed
When the warriors call a truce
and trust bonds are set to loose
Only then will i stop loving you....

female foeticide

Had the privilege  to attend and participate in a function organised to raise voice against female foeticide
something i wrote :

मैं बेटे का साहारा ना सही , बेटी का प्यार तो हूँ
बेटे का चुलबुलापन ना सही बेटी का भोलापन तो हूँ

बेटा चंद रुपये कमा लाता है जानती हूँ
पर दो वक़्त की रोटी बना मैं ही तो खिलती हूँ

कंजक पर पूज कर मुझे अगले ही दिन भूल जाते हो
अपनी माँ से इतना प्रेम है तुम्हे , है वो भी औरत ही , ये क्यूँ भूल जाते हो??

रक्षा का धागा भी को बांधती   हूँ , कमज़ोर हूँ शायद
पर दुर्गा बन सारे दुःख मैं ही तो हरने आती हूँ

यह सोच के पराया करते हो , दुसरे घर जाउंगी , मेरा प्यार बट जायेगा
यह क्यूँ भूल जाते हो की बेटा भी तो बहू लायेगा

अभी तो तुम्हे देखा भी नहीं माँ
अभी से मेरी ये आँखें बंद ना करो

अभी तो तुम्हे  इन हाथों से छुआ भी नही मैंने
अभी से इन हाथों को मुझसे अलग ना करो

अभी तो तुम्हे माँ कह कर पुकारा भी नहीं मैंने
अभी से ये आवाज़ बंद ना करो

अभी तो गोद में लिया भी नहीं तुमने
अभी से अपनी ममता से वंचित ना करो

अभी से अपनी ममता से वंचित ना करो

It's my life ... NOT yours!

There are times in your life when things just fall flat on your face , everything goes wrong , everyone turns a back , be thankful for those times for they teach you who you are and what exactly do you want .
Had a similar day today . The day started with a terrible stomach ache , then i had my workshop ( mechanical engineer so had to work on lathe - literally a pain in the ass :P ) then something weird happened . Out of nowhere i found people bitching against me about my lack of interest in something i believe in so much and have put my heart and soul into.
I am usually the types who want every thing to go perfect , get sensitive about petty issues , stay quiet on being subdued and when wronged . But today was different, and i have someone very close to be thankful to for the same, I did not hold back myself . I ranted ranted and ranted some more . It felt bliss . After a decade i did something 'for me' not for what others myt think . I don't care if it was right for me to berate someone like i did ( it got me a bad feedback :P people are bitching more ) . i just don't care . for once it was me just me . I don't regret it , i don't feel sorry .
It feels floating. M happy... content . It feels so right sitting here in my fucking room and typing this . the world is out there, outside the gate of my room . I will cross paths with this world , but my head will be high , i stood up for something i believe is right .
people will judge you , people will talk , people will have notions and prejudices but DO NOT LET THAT AFFECT YOU . trust me life is truly a bed of roses when you do exactly what YOU want to do - Not your friends , not your family no one.
in the end all what matters is the man in the mirror :)

P.S in case you read this - thank you :)

request

guys please +1 the article on the following link , and comment if u please :) thanks!

http://www.leaffrommyonlinediary.blogspot.in/

The writer's right

In the wake of Salman Rushdie’s   ‘The Satanic Verses’ conjuring violent public outburst ,accusing him of blasphemy, one is forced to contemplate whether or not writer’s should be censured . The book which was banned in many countries sparked violence around the world. The government’s decision to ask Rushdie to refrain from attending the Jaipur Literary festival raised many eyebrows as to how can one rip a writer off his freedom-of-thought.
Writing reflects the intellect of not only an individual but a society.It is rightly said writers are not important their writing is.  A reader when reads a book relates to the book and not to the writer, similarly the writers don’t confront their audience directly the way musicians and singers do. Books by their very nature often offend and create outrage. Writings of a writer can influence the mind of society and if that is accepted, a change is wrought.
Even William Gaddis believed that books should have lives of their own and that writers could only diminish the autonomy and integrity of their work by inserting themselves between the reader and the writer.
If i were to decide i would never ban a book or even a writer for that matter, the youth of today is mature enough to bid stigmas of anti-anything a good bye

inner peace

Take away stones and man shall fight with arrows

Take away arrows and man shall fight with guns

Take away guns and man shall fight with missiles 

Take away missiles and man shall fight with bare hands 

Take away hands and man shall fight with brains

man was fighting in the stone age

man is fighting in the space age

only the weapons have changed.

Have faith in GOD not fanaticism 

Love for mankind not blind passion

only then will there be harmony in this world

ushering inner peace

-akshardham , India

Let Your Soul Fly In Mystic

19 jan 2011 I was in a restaurant with a bunch of friends celebrating my best friends birthday . We were scrolling down the menu when one my friend's phone rang . He answered it then gave it to me . I knew it would be my mom. She calls my friends when I don pick up my phone , which is like all the time! I immediately took out my phone from my pocket and saw 6 missed calls . God was i dead! i answered the phone ready to be yelled at, but she did not. She asked me where was I so that she could send the driver to pick me up. Baffled i asked my mother what is it that needs me to come home immediately. She said "come home , me ur dad  granma going noida , sumit chachu jus died in a car accident". I did not say a word and hung up.  My friends started staring at me as the color drained from my face. Coming back to senses i told them of what had happened and went back home . After everyone left i sat down , i couldn't cry . It was so difficult to process it in the first place let alone react. He was hardly 30 with two daughters - 3 year old and one 1 year old. It was then when i wrote this poem .

Amidst this fast paced life
every smile has a price
we struggle , we fight
still end up with a miserable plight
the vicious circle of life and death
the fear of unknown with its wrath
the insatiable desires we have
the happiness that can only be pursued
oh , the congregation with their prayers glued
Sometimes it feels the almighty laughs in disdain
the poor man striving in vain
the psychic says its all in gloom
this life its relations all doomed
to understand this life is to cipher a thread
in mystic i lay , its the unknown i dread.


May you rest in peace 

The weird flying feeling of Love

Watched the first episode of vampire diaries for the ummm 19th time : -P . When Stefan comes to Elena's home to make sure she's fine after the Vicki Donovan incident , not just Elena but even the viewers feel the sweet vibes.!  With the soothing and lovely music of the fray (never say never) when Stef asks if she ever actually means it when she says "M ok" you feel how incredible can true love be.What is it like when you have someone who really does care for you , feels your pain more than you , and wants to know for sure that you're ok before he goes to sleep. I am a TVD freak , not just TVD but anything related to love.. be it Judith Mc.Naught novels or Nora Roberts or the obvious -Mills n Boons. Its the essence of having someone to share your life with , to have someone to hug when your world is falling apart , to be loved by someone whom you love, that is portrayed sooo beautifully in these shows that is giving them a Huge viewership.! and no ones's complaining as it kinda keeps your hopes alive!
That one day you too will find your stefan (read -damon , if ur a delena fan :P)

Not in terms with it , YET

When i was 5 i was told that we have certain numbers in mathematics to count things and these numbers start from 1. When i was 10 i was told 0 preceded 10 . I came to terms with it pretty easily. When i was 12 i realized that all i learnt was crap and there are actually infinite numbers before 0 also. In fact 1 with a - sign is greater than 2 with a - sign! I really wanted to get my tuition fee refunded from my KG teacher.

Years went by and allot of definitions changed.

Now i am 20, bit matured , bit more careful , bit more conscious of what i do how i behave, little less carefree and allot less happy than i was when i was 5.
I was surfing from one profile to another on facebook when i realized that i have one friend less than i last saw. After scanning my friend list i realized it was my friend who has a habit of deactivating and activating her account again and again. I logged out from my account put the internet to buffer on some vid my brother wanted to see and sat beside my rooms window with a pillow on my lap. I was blue, I couldn't find a single reason as to why i was unhappy. I had everything i wanted, right from my mother's recovery from a serious back injury to my latest pair of charles n keith stilettos. I felt suffocated. Like many other definitions the definition of being real has changed, being double faced has changed to being matured.
When we were young we had a group of friends and a group of "enemies" . When u did not like someone the whole class knew about it and if u ever wanted to befriend your so called enemy all u had to say was "abba".
Those were the days when all your relations were straight from your heart without any personal agendas and motives . Plain real emotions . If we loved someone we used to love them unconditionally and if we hated them we could not stand anything about them , not even their pencil box on our side of the bench. I loved it. I was very happy back then with my two best friends and 1 devil enemy (who's now my best friend!). I knew what or who gave me happiness and who did not. I knew on whom i could trust and on whom i could not. Now i have 245 friends on FB but i love 40 at most. Rest are mere X-classmates X-hostel mates Gym friends and some college mates. There are for sure atleast 20 people i hate. I still am friends with them , hangout with them , call them with their silly nick names. The fact irritates me. After i spend one day with them i come home angry and upset. Why do i need to be double faced and talk to people i cant stand ? Then my insanely perfect friends tell me - that's what an adult life is all about. It is about being congenial, diplomatic and nice. Gone are the innocent days of childhood when you could wear your heart on your sleeves. Now when you call a bitch a sweety or a hon you aren't double faced rather your mature enough to understand that there is no point in spoiling relations with anyone. Just be nice and stay away , so that when you cross roads with that someone you can be cordial and seek help, if ever needed.
This makes me wonder. Why will someone who doesn't like me, be there for me in my bad times or will share my happiness?
This is one of the concepts of life that i have failed to understand in past 20 years. Maybe i'll need another 20 to come to terms with it like i did with natural numbers , whole numbers and ever confusing real numbers.....

Dr.APJ Abdul Kalam

QUOTE!

Hey folks sorry for not being able to blog from the past few days....A bit busy schedule ..Il get back soon this weekend...  Here is one of my fav quotes :

"Hard feelings, Unjust public accusations and lifelong enemies are the dues that one pays for success"-Judith Mc.Naught.

Remember :)

UTOPIA

Hi. Today I am in a bizarre mood. Bizarre because I can not put into words what I am feeling.So rather than sharing my mood , Ill tell you what I am thinking about.
I was thinking about life. No, wait i am not giving sermons , I am talking about our lives. Lets talk about it.
  Your boss took credit of the successful project you had been working day and night for? Your friend got the coolest X Box game you wanted to buy( so so badly)? Your crush finds your best friend hotter? Your husband appreciates your neighbours cooking more than yours?
Well if you have answered no to these- you gotta be kidding me.!
Today we aren't happy or satisfied with our lives. "Life sucks" is a phrase on everyone's lips these days. Our life doesn't suck, our lifestyle does.
We are always busy doing things that are either materialistic or senseless like downloading songs, surfing the net, chatting with unknown people, working , and if not these- cursing our lives.
Instead of these, think of some moments. When you weren't prepared for an exam and it gets postponed. When you wanted to kick someone hard and your friend does that. Your first kiss , Your moms hug, Your dads pat on your shoulder when you made him proud. When you were tired of searching a song on your playlist and you hear it playing on the radio in the next room. When you were eagerly waiting for someone to text and his/her name flashes on your mobile screen.When you click on snooze and sleep for extra ten minutes. Watching your favourite movie cuddled in a cozy quilt sipping coffee with your loved one. Returning  home from an excruciatingly hectic day and find your spouse waiting for you at the doorstep, and your baby rushes towards you to get a hug. When you enter the class and look around to see your crush and then you smile finding him/her sitting in the corner with his/her friends. Twenty seven calls and thirty two messages on your Bday at 12 A.M .
Happiness lies in such moments , not in buying a new car or cruising around the world. Happiness lies in buying your friends favourite flavour of ice cream and teasing him by licking it , refusing to share.It lies in walking in rain barefooted with your hands interlaced with your beloved. It lies in the warmth of your moms hug that assures you that there's someone you can always return  to. It lies in the pillow fights with your sibling.
So, Stop doing things that don't matter. Switch off your laptops. Go give your parents a hug, Irritate the shit out of your friends or play with your dog.
Utopia lies in these moments.
Make each day, each moment count.