Monday, October 6, 2014

The Uncritical Judgmental

It is the 21st century, people are becoming more liberal, accepting and less judgmental - not true.
It is the 21st century, people have become masters in disguising their judgement under the veil of social norms and play a blame game on social stigmas.



Allow me to tell you how blessed I am. I have an amazing, understanding and loving family. My mother and father have raised me with utmost love, have inculcated values in me, ensured the importance of tradition is intact in my being. When you know someones trusts you with all his/her heart, you feel indebted to them and more often than not voluntarily make sacrifices to ensure their faith never wavers and they are never let down.

As already mentioned in my profile I am a mechanical engineer so it is a given that sex ratio in my group is abysmal. I have a bunch of friends, only guys. (Ok I do have a female friend as well but that doesn't count, you ask why? I have grown up with her, she is like my family anyway)
So the joke is - In my marriage there will definitely be a maid of honor but no bridesmaid- only best man(men)! No one in my family has any qualms about it and honestly I never had to face any judgement by family, friends or even society for that matter. I am blessed that way.

However, today when I called up my father to take his permission to go on trip with my college friends (mentioning that the group had girls too) he hesitated. He asked me to think about it and take the decision if I feel right. I asked what his inhibitions were. He blatantly said "It might affect your future." Now, if at all my blog reaches people apart from India (God I hope it does!): what he meant was ours' being a conservative society a girl going out with guys for a trip is frowned upon.
It may lead to people questioning you (read: your character) and thus may affect your social life. It broke my heart. 
Note here : that my father has always treated me respect. He adores me to death. I absolutely understand why he said what he said. It is brave of him to verbalise his concern out loud. 

I thought about how awful it is that just because a third person who by no means has ever or will ever enrich my life I am giving up the infinitesimally few chances i get on travelling.
I decided to go, and my parents are absolutely happy with that.

Now, I would request my readers not to judge me if I am going on a trip with 5 people, 2 girls 3 guys.
I couldn't help but wonder if my parents, who are so liberal, hesitated in letting me go how much weight must be on other women's parents' shoulders.
Our parents and their generation form a society. Me and my peers will form ours. I promise myself I will never judge mine or other peoples' kids by their lifestyle choices. I request you to promise yourself the same.
Understand others, respect them and most importantly accept them.

I thought it is my duty to pen this feeling down so that if at all even a single person resonates my thought and pledges to bring the change it will be an act worth the effort.

Thanks for reading!
A woman, with male friends.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

The first five Twenties

The name of this blog is 'from the pages of my diary'..but a lil disclaimer: Not all thoughts and pieces are from my personal life... Many of these pieces are inspired by allot of beautiful people i have had the privilege to meet in my 22 years of being.




"My heart and head tussle at every juncture...the battle is constant, consistent and confusing."

Lately I have been extremely happy, ethereally delighted, brutally hurt, painfully heartbroken and mostly just plain perplexed because of the current phase of my life.


I am working in a good company, earn decently...decent enough to satiate my desire for cute new shoes every month, I have job that is very challenging and have independence that allows me to make all the good and bad choices i should be making at this age. I was always a straight A student, always played by the rules never colored outside the lines and somehow always managed to get what i want. However these days i feel conflicted.... people my age (23-24) are very very conflicted...at least the ones i know.


A close friend of mine, Vikrant, recently broke up with a girl, Monika, who he had been with for 4 years, loved truly and wanted to marry. Vikrant, 23,  had plans to work in a company right after graduation....get a 2 year work ex. then get into a good college for post grad and then work for another 2 years before marrying Monika. Monika, however couldn't wait that long. It's an Indian woman thing, girls generally get married at 25/26 years of age....so they broke up.

I think the same has happened to allot of ppl and might just happen to me.
Like I said, I have a great job. I plan to work here for another year before i go for higher studies. Now the  thing is I have fallen in love. I have met someone i would one day really wanna be with. marry have kids grow old with... but I won't be able to do all of that since I would be leaving this place and so would he, for his career. How do you deal with all of this? you try and be practical and accept the fact that sometimes somethings not always happen as you would want them to. Life has become a constant battle: professional life v/s personal life. You can't have both.
Can't stay with family coz your job is in another state. can't be in a relationship coz you can't commit. There is no freaking stability in life at 23.

23 is such a difficult age. We gotta somehow make choices and stick to them....blink our eyes and hope our 26th bday comes soon....


So here's to all of you in your early twenties :
Suck it up!!

Monday, January 13, 2014

Masochist



You're dark and warm
and I'm cold in this storm
swirled and whisked
A moth that's been kissed
splash some water for I'm burning
coz it's only you and pain for which I'm yearning...



   - SM

Thursday, August 15, 2013

The new shade of you


Do we really know what we are capable of? How much we can change? How much we can give in to our dark side? How cold we can be?
We always have our notions and prejudices of how things should be of how people should be and how we should be...I am sure all us have a pedestal where we keep ourselves....some might constantly try to keep themselves positive, happy by making a note of things that are good in em'...rest of us, we constantly keep criticizing ourselves.
Allot of us are self critics, we are never alone, we are always accompanied by our alter ego which keeps a track of things we did and things we did not.. and my alter ego never misses a chance to berate me.
Lately I have experienced allot of change in my life... some good some exceptionally good some excruciatingly bad....and some..some that I am unable to define.
Rack your brain a lil , look into your past...has there ever been anything in your life that you thought you could never live without and in present life you don't have an iota of emotion for it? something similar has happened to me.. I could easily let go of that one thing i thought I always wanted.. and as it turns out what i thought was incorrect. Not only can I live without it but rather I am pretty happy without it.
and life has shoved me in a corner which i never knew existed and somehow i feel at home.
There is a sense of comfort in this discomfort.
I know i am not making much sense here but the thing is the notions that we have about ourselves, the aspirations we have for ourselves, the judgments that we have made about our own selves can be wrong, very wrong. I don't know what formulas does the alter ego uses when she concludes on our behaviors and actions but there is one thing that i know now...and that is we can be extremely happy when we let go of always putting ourselves under a microscope.
How much we let go for our families, friends and mainly for the idea of how we should be...How many sacrifices we make for we think that they might be inappropriate. What if one day you wake up and realize in the constant struggle to make people around you happy you have landed up in a life that others chose for you, and you are not happy with where you are?... What if one day i do actually regret not taking the leap of faith, not letting go of my notions and not allowing myself to be free, actually free?
It is completely ok to be a lil selfish, not think about the repercussions and just let ourselves be...!
This will enable us to live a little more and perhaps just perhaps we might find something perfect for us, we never knew existed.

Monday, August 5, 2013

For you mom....

Wrote this one for mother's day (2013)






For 9 months she held you close
Sat next to you night after night while you dozed
she laughed when you smiled, wept endlessly when you cried
she taught you your first words and the first step to walk
she was your lullaby and even your morning clock
no one could love you more
her heart's filled with love right upto her core
in the dark tunnel she is the guiding light
She is Godsent especially for you
from where she fathoms so much for I have no clue
Give her all your love ,for she is like no other
Of course she is you loving Mother

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Musk....



When I see you, I feel love
It's overwhelming and epic..
When I'm all alone with you
It's a strange kind of high that you put me through
I dream of us together
Your lips brushing mine
our breaths together like two souls entwined
my breath against the nape of your neck
your musk fills me, enwraps me in you
as you look at me like no one else could
A chill runs down my spine
as your warmth cuddles me
and you make me yours forever
I cherish this feeling for ever and ever......

Sunday, May 26, 2013

The world is not ready for strong women

There's this guy in my class who never fails to mock a girl who 'awws' and 'aahs'. The same guy also dislikes a very strong and opinionated girl I know because, i quote,  'she comes out too strong'.

People talk about Women emancipation and gender equality and feminism but I strongly feel (kindly note the degree of my sentiment- strongly) that the world isn't ready for a steadfast and opinionated woman. Hell! most of the fairy tales have the happy endings - ...and the girl found her prince. Cinderella a poor tormented soul finds a prince. Snow white, again, a poor tortured soul is kissed by her prince charming. I have never heard of a fairy tale where a strong girl supports her man and help him through.
Here are some incidents that have happened to me, my friends, strangers I've observed and stories I've heard. 
#way more male ceos than female ceos 
#a girl being called a beta is a compliment, a son on being called beti is offended 
#We have ladies wearing burqa's in some communities- at least they own upto their actions..Women even in most developed nations are expected to be mellow and soft or they could come out too strong.
#Whenever a girl who is focused on her career is often advised by her parents to take it down a notch 'nahi to baad me dikkat ayegi'
#'kitna bhi pad likh lo ek ladki ko shaant hona he chahiye and apne partner ki shadow me rehna ana chahiye' - trust me I've seen this happening to a friend who wanted to start up her business at 27 instead of getting married. 
#and then there is the bichari aurat who earns more than her husband and can not be proud of the cheque she earns coz let's face it the male ego IS very high
#when a woman is chosen over a man for a promotion we often hear the cliche' which has already crossed your mind so needless to say
#Now a female student's tragedy : You are intelligent and smart - ladkiyon ko to mil he jate hain. You get recruited- ladkiyon ka to qutoa hota hai.... so basically no matter hard you've tried tumhe to waise bhi mil he jana tha.
#Men are threatened by stronger women they prefer someone whom they can protect and take care of, not who is capable of taking care of herself and of her partner too.



......to all my beautiful women out there who stand up for themselves, are courageous, steadfast, bold, intelligent, street-smart, opinionated and ambitious
the world isn't ready for you.. we must learn to live in men's shadows' and take it down a notch
maybe in another 100 years we can hope to be equals .